Dad Pro Tip #2: Daughters and Dating
Daughters and Dating: Guess what? It’s going to happen
Let’s just jump right into a topic that has been driving me crazy since the first time I logged into Facebook in 2009. Yes, I know… I got a late start in social media. Hell, I only got an Instagram account like 2 months ago. I immediately started seeing tough guy memes, t-shirts, and staged shotgun wedding photos all aimed to overcompensate for a Dad that can’t come to grips with the fact that his little girl is growing up.
This definitely isn’t a new concept that started with social media. It has surely been an uncomfortable topic of concern for fathers since the first humans first stood upright and stopped scraping their knuckles on the ground. At some point during this time period, brains developed to the point where fathers suddenly came to the realization that the world is filled with two kinds of males: those currently mating, and those on the hunt for a mate. It’s a vicious game of predator and prey.
Finding a mate, you ask? What is this, a National Geographic article? Nope. It’s a reality check. That biological mumbo-jumbo is just fancy talk for some hard news for any Dad to hear. Are you sitting down? Ok, listen very carefully… at some point in your daughter’s life there will be a guy that successfully gains her undivided attention, and ultimately wants to date her, spend time with her, and do more stuff than I even want to go into detail about on here. Like I said before, I have two daughters and even though I acknowledge that it’s inevitable, I don’t want to think about that stuff…
So, why is this such a hot button for me? Because it makes you look like an idiot. Now wait, before you just get all defensive and shut down, you probably aren’t trying to look like an overbearing tough guy, but that’s how it comes across. Worse than that, however, is how your daughter must feel about this. I am sure that you want nothing more than to create an environment and a relationship with your baby girl that screams, “I am here for you, and want nothing more than to protect you.” There’s only one problem…what you are saying isn’t going to sink in because of HOW you are saying it. Take this photo that has been circling social media for the past few years, for example:
What this photo is aimed to say is, “Daddy is watching over you to make sure that no one ever hurts you.” What it really says is, “your father will kill this toddler that is playfully flirting with you.” Come on guys… I get the point, and it’s clever, but most of the people that I have seen sharing this meme have shared another half-dozen of the same sort of tough guy approaches to parenting. I often hear guys with daughters telling each other how they will set the tone for their daughter’s first date. Some say there will be guns involved, others say they will physically threaten his life for any number of household rule infractions.
I can tell you with perfect honesty that any man that challenged me like that as a teenager immediately caused me to call his bluff. Even at 16 years old, I knew that no man with a loud bark had a bite to match. There was one guy I was fearful of, however. He was the dad that made a brief appearance, carried himself with confidence, and told me with a sincere tone in his voice to make sure that his daughter was taken care of, and home at a decent hour. That was the man with a firm handshake, and a firmer resolve to make sure that his daughter was safe. His daughter knew it too; she didn’t push boundaries, and made sure that she was home on time. I think it was this honest approach to fathering and the acknowledgement that his daughter would eventually grow up and date that caused this to occur.
Think about this from another angle, also. You do want grandchildren, right? How do you think that happens? Do you really expect your daughter to just float through life single, then BOOM! She meets Mr. Right, ties the knot, and then has the immaculate conception? Is that how you did things? Surely you dated around, had some failed relationships, learned through trial and error, and then landed in the situation you are currently in. I am going to go out on a limb and say that your daughter will do the same, and that’s how it is supposed to work. So, before you empty the gun cabinet and get Hoppes No. 9 on your kitchen table when your daughter wants to go to the middle school dance, take a deep breath and relax.
This shirt could be the worst of all, and sadly it has been reproduced dozens of times. A quick Google search will yield a multitude of colors and designs, all aimed at the crowd of insecure dads, who can’t come to grips with reality. I could dissect all of these “rules” individually, but I only really want to point out a few of them that need some analysis.
Take rule number 2, for instance. Nothing tells your daughter that you don’t give her any credit to pick a good guy to hang out with like prejudging any guy she dates. Certainly, you won’t like everyone that she dates, but give it a chance to work itself out. Chances are that she doesn’t even know what kind of guy that she likes yet, but most likely it will be someone pretty similar to you. So take a good look in the mirror. Are you the kind of guy you want your daughter to date?
Number 7 is exceptional. Are you really potentially threatening sexual assault to a minor? If so, that’s just gross. Certainly this is satire, but come on man. You’re better than that.
Lastly is number 10. I get it. You’re an NRA member and an avid fan of shooting sports. Maybe you’re a veteran with a lot of experience behind a rifle. Maybe you did a couple combat deployments. Maybe you own a gun or 12. What does that prove? Does owning a gun make you somehow more inherently violent towards whomever your daughter brings home for approval? Of course not. Way to be cliché. All this does is make you look like a douchebag. You aren’t going to go all John Wick on some dude for taking your daughter to a party without permission.
So, where am I going with all of this? What am I trying to say? I am telling you that I get it. Like I said, I have daughters of my own, and have some of the most loyal hoodrat friends on the planet who wouldn’t hesitate to grab a shovel if I asked them to. The thing is that I won’t ask them to, merely because my daughter has a guy show up at the house to take her out on a date. Now, I think we all agree that there are certainly those instances where the aforementioned friends would come in handy, but that’s a conversation we can have over a few beers. If you don’t have friends like that, consider finding some new ones, or just start hanging out in the same circles that me and Jack do. I doubt you’ll find them at Starbucks or Bed Bath and Beyond…
My approach to this inevitable point of contention is to try to get ahead of the issue by creating a relationship of trust and understanding. I want to raise my daughter with the confidence that I will support her, through all of her decisions, both good or bad. I want to keep an open dialogue, and want to know what goes on in her life. When I ask her what the other kids in school are doing, or who is dating, it isn’t a loaded question. I really do want to know. And so far she tells me stuff. A few times she has told me stuff that I really didn’t think I was going to hear. But, I didn’t freak out or make a big deal out of it, because we were all in the same shoes at some point. Well, I wasn’t a teenage girl, but you know what I mean. I remember the awkward relationships, the insecurities of wondering if a girl felt the same way about me as I did about her, and the natural curiosities that I had. I am sure that you did too. So, before you drive her underground (because that will certainly happen), talk to her. Start early. If she doesn’t trust you, she’ll find someone else to talk to. Once you lose that trust, you’ll never get it back.
Lastly, to all those tough guys out there saying, “yea right, bro. I know how a teenage boy thinks. I won’t let that happen to my little girl.” I’ve heard that story before, and know what my response was?
“Challenge accepted.”
~Dad of Five